your friendly neighborhood post-breakup action plan

I’ve experienced a few “bad breakups” over the past couple years. Perhaps that’s why I am so inept at dealing with them. In my defense, I’ve come up with an innovative albeit unorthodox post-breakup action plan. Unfortunately, it doesn’t usually work. Actually, it hasn’t ever worked. Maybe it’s a me-problem. Maybe it’ll work for you. Do let me know if you try it.

Jaci’s Post-Breakup Action Plan

Step 1. Announce celibacy: This will keep all the creeps looking for an easy catch away. Far, far away.
Step 2. Commit to celibacy: Because we all make mistakes after a bad breakup.


Step 3. Renounce dating: Ideally, this will discourage your former man from skulking after you.


Step 4. Renounce dating *forever*: This will protect you from rebound shenanigans. (Ignore step 3 if said shenanigans are desired.)


Step 5. (In case of stalker exes, or just stalkers in general) Pretend to be lesbian


Step 6. Actually be lesbian: Who knows… maybe it didn’t work out with him for a reason


Step 7. (In case step 6 was unsuccessful) Acknowledge that sucking it up is better than sucking it off


All that said, today’s boyfriend sabotaged me at step one. Soo… good luck, ladies.


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