How To: Get Over Your Psycho Ex-Girlfriend

Dedicated to all my past and future boyfriends

Step 1: Store all ex-girlfriend-belongings in bag. Proceed to hide bag in closet. 

Step 2: Buy new soap. Take long shower. Use new soap.

Step 3: Store all reminders of ex-girlfriend in second bag. Proceed to hide in closet.

Step 4: Call friend. Talk to friend. Call more friends. Keep talking.

Step 5: Return to life as usual. Maintain daily routines.

Step 6: Delete number. Hide pictures. Unfollow.

Step 7: Breathe. A lot.

Step 8: Return ex-girlfriend-belongings (already conveniently assembled in bag.)

Step 9: Make new memories with items in second bag. They’re yours, not hers. And you’re yours, too. 

Step 10: Get out there. Meet new psycho girlfriend. Repeat process.